


if (tomorrow comes)

by yukends (dowarae)



Category: NCT (Band)
Genre: Canon Compliant, Gen, Loneliness, Suicidal Ideation, Unhealthy Coping Mechanisms, angst with an optimistic ending, comfort?? kinda??, donghyuck central, interactions can be taken however
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-04-05
Updated: 2018-04-05
Packaged: 2019-04-18 18:18:06
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,245
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14218959
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/dowarae/pseuds/yukends
Summary: donghyuck’s lonely, but he’s not alone.(or; a collection of times donghyuck (thinks he) has only himself)





	if (tomorrow comes)

**Author's Note:**

> this is literally just me projecting, sorry
> 
> also i apologize in advance for any errors, i didn’t edit this lol

donghyuck’s lonely.

that’s something he’s become achingly aware of.

even though he knows every member of nct cares about him, as they all care about each other, donghyuck’s lonely.

but he’s not alone.

which almost makes the fact that sometimes he lays in his bed for hours thinking about whether killing himself is really an option he wants to consider seem completely ridiculous and he immediately wants to punch himself in the face for even thinking it.

but he still thinks about it.

-

mark angry is never something donghyuck could handle.

despite the fact that the two have become so close since debut, their personalities clash in the worst ways possible.

sometimes donghyuck fucks up a move in practice, paving the way for mark’s cold glare and stony voice. he can deal with it, probably retorts with a snarky remark but every time he feels like crying.

sometimes he does, sometimes he doesn’t.

he knows that it’s not personal; mark’s just stressed, tired. they all are.

and just as usual, he opens his mouth to reply.

but the combination of the rest of the members watching the two and the way mark’s eyes narrow, posture defensive, stops him.

he closes his mouth and turns away, his almost instinctual jolt of anger when mark confronts him dissipating.

he feels mark’s eyes follow him as he leaves. confused.

he almost wishes he would follow him, maybe for once they could actually have a conversation instead of just passive aggressively glare at each other or yell. but this time he can’t bring himself to care.

he hears chenle laugh as the door closes.

donghyuck doesn’t cry.

-

he counts the hours he hasn’t slept, tries to break the record of 35 hours.

he never can, but he tries.

he’s at 24.

and he feels it, in the heaviness of his limbs, the ache in behind his eyes, the clouds he calls thoughts.

he tries to fight it, but eventually his body gives in to an instinctual need of unconscious and he sleeps on the couch in the dorm, in the middle of day.

past times he’s done this someone eventually wakes him up with a _go to bed, hyuck. you’ll have a sore neck if you sleep like that._

but no one does this time.

he wakes to the dark, the digital clock flashing on the receiver.

the dorm is silent, he goes to bed.

-

donghyuck thinks he might be disappearing.

fading silently into the background.

he tries to participate, he really does.

but he hasn’t eaten since yesterday morning and his head is pounding and yukhei laughs too loud.

he retreats from the living room, wordlessly.

he misses the look taeyong shares with ten.

-

he misses conversation, as ironic as it sounds.

he misses talking for the sake of talking. the sake of sound.

he hears someone yell from the kitchen, laughter.

it feels like someone punched him in the stomach.

he wants to go out, join them, laugh (for real, not some show for the cameras) for the first time in so so long.

but he knows they’ll stop the minute he comes in, light fading to awkward shadows.

-

donghyuck knows they care.

he really does.

he knows he could go to any one of the members and they’ll support him unconditionally, he knows that.

but he doesn’t.

they have enough to worry about and his problems weren’t another thing he needed to add.

this is something he has to deal with by himself, he can’t burden the others.

-

_donghyuck, you know we love you, right?_

_yes, hyung. i know._

_you know that you can talk to us, right?_

_yes, hyung. i know._

_you know that no matter what we’re here for you?_

_yes, hyung. i know._

-

he almost does it one night.

he comes so close, staring himself down in the shared bathroom mirror he convinces himself this is what he wants.

all the nights spent laying awake staring at the dark ceiling, dongyoung’s soft breathing the only sound comes suddenly crashing down.

and in that moment donghyuck wants nothing more than to close his eyes and not wake up.

he wants it so so bad

and he comes so so close.

but someone knocks on the door _(hurry up)_ and donghyuck doesn’t.

-

taeyong’s known to be the mother of nct, making sure the members rest and eat and are as healthy as they can be.

especially as they prepare for a comeback.

donghyuck doesn’t get to escape his parental tendencies, no matter how hard he tries.

because donghyuck’s _fine._ it’s really mark he should be concerned about, he’s in every unit after all.

donghyuck tells him that.

it’s evident taeyong doesn’t believe him, but he doesn’t push.

donghyuck wishes he would.

-

it’s twelve thirty at night.

donghyuck sits on the couch in the living room, watching the digital clock absently.

he doesn’t hear mark enter the room until sudden weight is added on the other end and donghyuck nearly jumps out of his skin.

mark doesn’t smile, doesn’t glare. neither does donghyuck.

he notices mark looks tired and he says so.

mark replies so does he.

donghyuck isn’t sure what to say, so he turns back to the receiver, the powerless television.

mark asks when he last ate. concern.

he shrugs and says _earlier._

a non-committal, half-assed answer because he honestly can’t remember.

he’s grown accustomed to the gnawing in his abdomen and the pressure behind his eyes.

he thinks he’d miss it if it left.

they sit in silence for exactly ten minutes when mark stands.

donghyuck fully expects to hear his retreating footsteps, so he doesn’t turn.

but he doesn’t expect for mark to _approach him._

and he doesn’t expect how gentle mark is when he takes his hands and leads him to the kitchen.

he stands by the entrance, watching mark rummage through the fridge.

he blinks, mark closes the door, the gentle washing from the light fades.

the room is dark but he can still see the shape of an apple sitting in the palm of his hand.

donghyuck takes it, inspects it but doesn’t bite.

mark coaxes him to eat it with a _please, hyuck. you need to so you don’t starve._

so donghyuck takes a bite.

only one. his stomach rolls.

but mark waits a little longer, watching donghyuck with expectant eyes before finally accepting donghyuck isn’t going to eat anymore.

he plucks the apple from his fingers and sets it on the counter (donghyuck thinks he disappointed him) and takes his hand again.

donghyuck is thoroughly confused by the sudden acts of caring. especially from mark when all they seem to do recently is fight.

mark doesn’t lead donghyuck to his room as he expects, but to his own. mark tells him to sleep.

and he pretends that the way mark gently runs his hands through donghyuck’s hair and quietly hums a lullaby doesn’t cause him to feel a pang of longing in his chest.

because it’s been so long.

so he sleep instead.

:

he’s alone when he wakes up.

but he didn’t expect anything less.

-

donghyuck’s lonely.

he gets that.

he gets that sometimes he completely shuts off, forgets to eat sleep function as a normal human being.

he used to think he was alone.

but he’s learning.

that the members care.

that he can’t do this alone.

so he lets them care and it’s like he can finally breathe.

so,

donghyuck’s lonely, but he’s not alone.


End file.
